Thursday, January 7, 2010

Validated

Warning: This post is going to be on a controversial
topic. Which is why I'm writing it in the first place.
Cause it shouldn't be.

One of the hardest parts of raising children, to me, is
the discipline part. If I'm being totally honest, Paul and I
don't always see eye to eye on how discipline should be
handled. We have, after many years of struggle, finally
stopped criticising each other's methods in front of the children.
(I know-horrible and inexcusable! We are finally trying
to always back each other up as much as possible!)

There are still times, however, when I say nothing in the moment
because I don't want to contradict him in front of the kids but then
when we're alone, I am quick to point out if I didn't agree with
how he handled things. And he does the same.

In our defense, we also comment when we think the other handled
a situation well. I think this kind of support is very important!!

Now...these discussions are in some ways good and bad.

They are good because sometimes we fuss without seeing the
whole situation and the other can either defend or explain the
behavior (not in front of the kids) and we can discuss how it
could have been handled differently. We can then go to the
child(ren) and discuss what happened and why.

They are bad because it sometimes feels like we are second guessing
each other. Paul is the heavy and I am the softy. This causes
friction sometimes because some issues he thinks are big deals
I don't always see that way.

You would think at this point we would have our act together,
but honestly, as the kids get older, the need for different,
still useful discipline is making things difficult!

For example, we can't punish Ashton and Sydney the same way
we punish the little ones-time out or standing in the corner just
don't have the same effect on the older two!

So, I guess discipline is an ever evolving thing.

One thing we never disagreed on was spanking.

We DO spank our children. But only when;
A) they are young
B) all attempts at other discipline have failed, or
C) their behavior is endangering themselves or others.

Now let's be clear. We DO NOT beat our children or physically,
mentally, or emotionally abuse them in ANY WAY. We
love our children more than life itself and only provide what
we consider disciplline in the form of loving guidance.

Having said all that, I need to say that the world has taken
spanking and made it taboo. Parents who spank are the
pariahs of society and their children are doomed to either die
at the hands of their violent parents or become violent societal
misfits themselves.

Studies have shown this is true. Right?

Finally, there is a study that shows differently.
Read here:


Most everyone I know and have ever known were spanked.
I was spanked. And none are any the worse for it today.
Most are wonderful people raising wonderful children
who are almost always also spanked.

And after years of feeling like I needed to hide the fact that
I spank my children, I finally feel validated. Isn't it horrible
that we can allow society so much control over what should
be very personal decisions??
Do you spank your children? (or did you when they were little?)
Just wondering.

TTFN,

13 comments:

Kelli @ RTSM said...

You are right about letting society control our personal decisions....there are a ton of other examples of this too! Even though you do spank your children, I bet you wouldn't do it in public....I wouldn't either...because you run the risk of having someone report you for child abuse simply because you choose spanking as a disiplinary tactic with your kids! We do spank...and it is a very effect method of discipline when used correctly. Thanks for sharing!

{Kimber} said...

If I told stories of my spankings from my childhood, they would probably try to go arrest my mother NOW! I got spanked, I DESERVED to be spanked {not as much as my brother, but still hehe}
you are so right though...why shouls society dictate what we do with OUR children that the Lord gave us!?
so yes...I spank {when needed}

Proverbs 13:24

Foursons said...

When my children are directly defiant and other methods of discipline have not worked they will get spanked.

Konnie said...

We do let society control our decisions... I have always been very cautious of getting on to mine too heavy in public because of the way people react to spanking and discipline in general. {Note: I have ushered mine out to the car and had a little laying on of the hands if you know what i mean.} but I don't like to spank, We have luckily been blessed that taking things away from the boys and a good talking too {threating within an inch of there lives} hehe! has worked. You learn that discipline changes as the kids get older, You just have to try different things with each child and pray it works. I was spanked as a child and needed it and it did me no harm!

Together We Save said...

I spanked all 3 of my girls when they needed it. My parents spanked me. I have the same rule about spanking my mom always did. When things got to the point of needing the spanking... I was sent to my room (I thought this was to torture me while I waited for the spankin) but as I later learned it was so my parent could calm down and think about the punishment. Often they came in and said waiting was enough punishment and the others... I got the spanking. But I know now just as I did then that they love me no matter what.

It is wonderful you and your husband try to work together even if you disagree. I'v always had to be the tough one with my girls.

christy rose said...

Yep I spanked and with a paddle. but never when I was angry. Spanking when you are angry only breeds rebellion in our kids. But spanking in love brings submission. Until my kids were about 10, spanking was all that we used. And it was very effective. It was only after they began to outgrow it effectiveness that I really had any trouble with my kids' behavior at all. I am still asking the Lord to help me with this one as my kids are all into their teenage years and it is way more difficult figuring it all out now. I am glad you feel vindicated and validated. I do too.

Jenilee said...

We do spank and it has had a profound effect on behavior. When used correctly, it can really help a child catch on to obedience much quicker and spanking becomes less and less frequent or necessary. I'm thankful for this healthy tool to teach our children. it isn't always an easy thing to do, but I know my girls respond well to it. But, we can't just rely on spanking... I've read creative correction by lisa whelchel and it is one of my favs! she gives so many great biblical and creative ways to discipline depending on the child's action. I've gotten some great ideas from that book!

momstheword said...

We did spank when they were little but it was rare (but effective) when we did it.

My hubby and I did agree that disrespect and disobedience were a big deal, as I imagine you'd agree. We still think it's a big deal.

The other things, we sort of tempered each other. Sometimes we would disagree and discuss things and then you'd see the other person's viewpoint and sometimes change your mind.

Stay the course, it is so worth it. My kids are now 16 and 21 and we are reaping the rewards of sticking with it (as consistently as we could) when they were younger.

Leigh said...

I am so glad you posted this! and YES i do spank my children! and i take a item away for a week when they misbehave.. I have even called my parents to make sure i was right when I spanked them!Thanks for sharing!!

PDeverit said...

People used to think it was necessary to "spank" adult members of the community, military trainees, and prisoners. In some countries they still do. In our country, it is considered sexual assault if a person over the age of 18 is "spanked", but only if over the age of 18.

For one thing, buttock-battering can vibrate the pudendal nerve, which can lead to sexual arousal. There are multitudinous other physiological ways in which it can be sexually abusive, but I won't list them all here. One can use the resources I've posted if they want to learn more.


Child bottom-battering/slapping vs. DISCIPLINE:

Child bottom-battering (euphemistically labeled "spanking","swatting","switching","smacking", "paddling",or other cute-sounding names) for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.

Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.

I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.

There are several reasons why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:

Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,

The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,

NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.

Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational resources, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research with the recommended reads-visit www.nospank.net.

Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child bottom-slapping isn't a good idea:

American Academy of Pediatrics,
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry,
American Psychological Association,
Center For Effective Discipline,
Churches' Network For Non-Violence,
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu,
Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps,
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children,
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child.

In 26 countries, child corporal punishment is prohibited by law (with more in process). In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.

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